my fight against food

9:30pm: is blerg a word?
b/c that is the epitome of how i feel right now.
fast went relatively well today... i cheated with a big gulp of iced tea =/
which isn't food, but against the rules.... i guess i'm okay with it. maybe...
i have energy, which is crazy. but probably from the green tea and tea pills i've been taking..
i have a feeling when i slow down enough to get tired, i'm going to crash hard.
i do not feel light. at all. i feel full of water. FULL. 
as in if i drink another ounce i will explode.
my tummy feels round.
ew
i'm considering taking some cleanse pills
i dunno though. 
i feel heavy! this is all wrong.
i was down a lb. this morning and i feel heavy. 
BLERG! that word is so how i feel. lol.

and i have supreme camera envy right now!!

9:58pm: first day of the fast went smoothly... i did have a few weak moments where i just wanted food, but i didn't really need it. My roomate made brownies, which smelled really good, but i'm very proud b/c i resisted.

so no calories at all today!
just water.

i made a new rule/reward/whatever:
for everyday i fast i'm going to put a quarter in a jar... when i break my fast and ease back into food and get my metabolism going again, i'm going to treat myself to a treat bought with those quarters.

yay.

11:16am:

Well i'm fasting for today. 
no particular reason. i'm just don't ever want to see food again.
i'm confused as to what brought this on b/c normally if i can't have something,
i want it even more... even if i don't need it. like uncontrollably bad.
i'm probably going to just fast until i collapse.
i'm apartment-bound until thursday of next week, studying for finals.
so no one will notice.
my bestest is staying w/ me saturday but she's sort of slow to catch on. lol.
i'm changing my user pic b/c it used to make me feel better about myself...
but now it just disgusts me. 
i was so proud when i got selected for that damn calendar...
now i'm completely ashamed 
the world is going to see me looking like a half-clothed whale.
:hurl:
& finals are probably the most stressful event ever. stress is good for weight loss. 
i only eat when i'm happy (i'm so backwards) so stressful unhappyness is great.

(i know i'm weird for making rules but)
(i need structure in my life that i control)
so...

RULES OF FAST
!. at least 4 bottles of water a day = to 68 oz.
2. light orange juice (if necessary) but only in the mornings. 
3. grapefuit juice in the evenings but only before 6 pm
4. Go until you can't go any longer
5. 2 vitamins, birth control, calcium tab (morning), and green tea capsules (morning and mid-day)
6. 60 ab rolls a day
7. 60 leg lifts a day
8. stretches everyday
9. walk everywhere as often as possible
10. be very active while packing apartment up for the move home
11. Jiggle legs while sitting
12. nap only when necessary... you could be doing something productive!
13. study at least 4 hours a day
14. post thinspiration.
15. feed templeton (pet snake) before the move... preferrably  by monday.

allowable beverages:
green teo (no sugar/anything)
water
Light organic orange juice(not sure how that is possible... w/e)
Grapefruit Juice (actual juice with pulp)
Broth (nonfat, no more than 1 cup a night)

8:13pm:

yayyyyyy
good day... sort of...
beakfast wrap this morning (200 cal)
Orange this morning (69 cal)
Plain non-fat yogurt and Granola for snackish lunch (110 + 80 ish)
and for the rest of the day i snacked on veggies.

i'm trying this whole eating regularly thing...
speed my metabollism and what not.
but still trying to stay under 500 cals
and i completely cut meat from my diet...
i've been trying for a while
not just cuz of the weight issues either 
(i'm an animal science major)
but its an added plus
veggie-meat is yummy and does so much less damage than 
dead animal
 does.

i also drank at least 50 Oz. of water
and pee'd more than god intended
which is a good thing

12:09pm: ugh. as hard as i try... which is sometimes not very hard.... i have this sinking feeling i will never be as tiny as i want to be. or even thin.
 no one sees it but me, i don't understand. it's been a while since i've been told "oh how little you are!" i miss it. my friend told me the other day i looked skinny but i know it was just the pants i was wearing. 
i don't want to have just a tiny stomach (which is what she meant) and it's only tiny because my ribcage is so huge. i want to just cut them out sometimes!!!!
i want to be fragile... i want to look like if you handle me roughly i'll break.
but in a good way... not a sick way.
i mentioned this girls legs to my boyfriend the other day .... 
(seriously...  AMAZING legs. absoltely the most perfect legs i have ever seen)
and he said they were to skinny, not shapely he said.
well duh stupid. NOT FAT.
and it made me terribly aware of my monsterous thunder thighs which TOUCH in the middle. UGH. its horrible.
and no matter how much i lose (10 lbs in about a month and a half thanks) they still touch.
my calves slimmed down, right above my knees is looking better but MY UPPER THIGHS WILL NOT SHRINK DAMMIT.

so sorry friends... this is a long rant... pass it by.

and i get so frustrated that i get ito this cycle of "i won't ever be skinny so i might as well eat" and eat translates swiftly into binge. then i get sooooo upset and depressed that i freak out and take laxatives and down water like crazy.

i'm so fucked up seriously. the more i lose the further i have to go. when i saw how my arms looked at my first goal weight  i lowered my final goal weight by 10 lbs.
i'm not even sure with my muscle structure it's possible to be a steady 95 lbs. my legs are so huge and all of it is from effing soccer. 
my kids won't ever play soccer. they'll be runners or ballerina's. unless they hate it. i would never force anything on my children... i just am so scared that if i have kids then they will be as unhappy with their bodies as i am and i don't wish that on anybody.

ugh okay i've taken up enough space with thoughts that only matter to me. thanks for being there though guys.

6:26am:

i want to get better SO bad. i hate the constantly counting calories, terrified of anything with more than 100 cals. no carbs. protein but only before 12.
i know i will get fat though. i can't be fat. i won't ever be fat again. i need/want/have to be perfect.
i HAVE to be the one everyone looks at and sighs because they wish they were me. untouchable.
i have the potential. i was blessed with a nice body and a decent face (even if i wasn't, make up and surgery could fix it)
i want to be the most perfect girl ever. i want my friends to all be gorgeous too... just not as gorgeous as me.
i will do whatever it takes.

its just so hard sometimes. but whenever i think of someone perfect... like Angelina Jolie... i always think, well she wouldn't  eat that cookie! thats why she's like that, because she has that control. ugh.

so cheers to beauty and perfection in pain.

10:11pm: i messed up today. =/
figures because i've done well the last few days.

at about 8 this morning i had:

Cottage Cheese/Pineapple thing; 130

then my boyfriend pissed me off around 12. so i said fuck it and had;

two fake chicken veggie patties with ketchup: 320 + 20 = 340

and haf a veggie-cheese quesadilla - probably around 400 cals. no joke. tortillas pack a punch.


i feel a little better because it was early on in the day, and now it is 1015 and i haven't eaten anything else. i'm not really that hungry either. and i refuse to eat after 7 so yeah.

this morning i was at 119.2 which makes me smile. but the weekend starts tomorrow... i hope i can hold out and be strong. Casey is taking me to his favorite chinese place... UGH. chinese is for fat kids. it's so greasy and full of carbs. i hope they have a salad bar or something that isn't going to make me gag.

4:39am:

ahhh things are better with casey. 
we had sex a million times this weekend and it was A-MAZING. and i'm sure i burned alot of calories too... added plus lol! 
haha sorry about being graphic... i know this crap shows up on ya'lls friends page!

i did eat actual food though. not just a tiny bit either. hmm. 
and i was SUPER upset because i gained two lbs 
and i haven't been able to kill myself at the gym all weekend.

but:

i just weighed again and i'm down 1.4 lbs since last weight. so technically i'm only .6 up from friday morning.

& the gym opens in an hour and 15 minutes. so i can go run until my not-so-little ass is content.

sweet.

grr. i can't stand this fat on my back. 
my shoulders are sooooo thin and i love them. 
if you touch them all you feel is bonyness
but right where the back of my arm meets my back
there is a tiny roll.
unacceptable.


perfection is attainable
it is just behind that layer of fat.


ps. i'm so going to MAC whenever my check for the calendar shoot. they have a new Barbie line. CHHHEYEEAHHH.

3:24pm: ugh my boyfriend and i aren't really speaking to eachother... and i have no idea why.

i just need someone to hold me so i can shake and cry... it never gets easier and it never gets better.
the more weight i lose the more i think i need to lose... i won't ever be perfect enough for myself. i wish i had someone that could just know ALL my secrets, and just be there for me... the closest i got to that was with my Ex... matt... and i'm an idiot for breaking up with him.. but we still talk daily, so it's okay. he still loves me, he thinks i'm perfect no matter how fat i am... i didn't realize at the time that i was the happiest i've ever been when i was with him. but it's not fair to my boyfriend now if i go back.

maybe if i stick around with casey eventually we'll be at the point that matt and i were at. i hope. but then again if we just break up one day i'm scared the matt will just figure out how much i suck and quit loving me.

i'm so screwed up. i spend my days thinking about the food that i can't eat... i'm not even hungry, i just want it b/c i know i can't have it. UGH. school sucks, i'm going back home after this semester, hopefully i can pull my shit together.

i just feel that once i'm skinny everything will fall into place and i can be happy again.

11:21am: i had an extremely weird day yesterday...
the only thing i ate from 9 am until 11 pm was an apple, a slice of turkey from my friend's sandwhich, and a small cai tea (not fat)

i wasn't even hungry? but then my boyfriend wnt to a drive thru and i smelled all that food and i wanted it... i wasn't hungry but i wanted it!

and i didn't want to eat in front of him so i told him to take me home... when i got home i planned this HUGE binge... HUGE. of course i was gonna purge it all out right after i ate it, and then take some laxatives for good measure.
Well i got: a  quesadilla, 2 tacos, a burrito, a cheeseburger, and fries.

i know. gross. i don't even know why i thought i could eat that much.

well i got home and i started to stuff my face with the quesadilla, and i looked at all the food and how nasty and greasy and ugly it was and i could just see it going right to my thighs. and i knew i didn't want the food AT ALL. it didn't even smell good anymore.

but i just kept stuffing my face because i bought it, i had everything planned out, and i don't know what else. it was like i HAD to. but i didn't want to. well i finished the quesadilla and started on a taco, with a few french fries.... and that was it.
i just couldn't bring myself to eat anymore, the food was actually the most disgusting thing i have ever seen. greasy and yucky...
so i threw it all away... gave some of the taco and burrito to my dog because she is fat and i love her for it.

i threw up most of it i think... tacos are not recommended for throwing up... they cut up your throat and nasal pathways, IT HURT and bled alot... so eventually i stopped trying, popped some laxatives and went to bed.

normally if i make the decision to give in and binge, i go at it with a vengence, making up for lost time... but i think maybe i'm cured... i didn't even want all the food i had access to.
it felt really good.

BTW!!!! there is a new fragrance out called Scentology: Craving Control.... it's supposed to trigger your brain so you stop craving carbs, even stuff like chocolate cake and pasta. You can get it at target... it smells like vanilla bean ice cream to me, but it's supposed to have a different smell to everyone so i don't know! lol. i think it works.

11:12am: ahh i'm just under 120 as of today... it feels very good.
i've been teetering on the edge for a while and to actually see the scale report under that line makes me smile!

i tried on some leggings yesterday and i'm pretty sure i have the most disporportionate body in the entire universe. My butt is just ridiculously huge. my legs are getting skinnier and my butt just stays obese... but i AM starting to see it shrink just a little... it used to be Full and long and round... good if you have long legs, horrible for us with short legs.

i can't wait for it to be petitte like the rest of me is getting.

my arms are still too muscular... instead of elliptical i'm thinking i'll be sticking to a machine where you just run but not a treadmill. ahh it's getting easier everyday... even if i do eat now i notice i can't eat half of what i used to be able to scarf down. i love it.

except when i binge on rice and bread and some ground meat like the other night!! gahh. but it was worth it and i didn't gain any weight because i downed some laxatives right after that!!! and much as i hate how i have to run to potty at any given second... i think i am becoming addicted... i just feel so empty (but not in a hungry way) after a laxative day.

well i'm going for ice cream with my boo in a little while.... i haven't eaten yet today and i looked up the info for the ice cream i like... 320 cals for an entire cup!!
psh... even when i was fat i never ate an entire  CUP of ice cream... 

i think i'll eat around a quarter or maybe half. then i will still have around 200 cals to burn for dinner... which will probably be some yogurt and a cereal bar.... possibly a pack of oatmeal. anyways it will be under 600 cals for the day... AND i plan on walking around the mall shopping for a few hours, then walking my LAZY FAT DOG whom i love dearly!

good day good day.
maybe i won't lose 20 pounds in a week but the way things are going... i'll be 100 by summer... AHHH. *smiles!* =)

6:39pm: okay. well for two days i have done well.

i've figured out that i have to eat a little bit every day just to keep my shape... which i don't want but i get paid for it so i have to.

after the next calendar shoot the 28th i'll be able to slim down as much as i want until the next time... but for now i have to keep my boobs full.  but i got somewhat lucky in that when i lose weight... i lose it from my chest first... but when i gain weight it also goes to my chest first...

so i can drop major pounds and when i am happy with where my weight is, i can start eating enough calories that i don't lose any more weight but i won't gain any except on my chest. lol does that make sense?

anyways, yesterday:

apple slices with hummus - around 100 cal
Cereal Bar - 90 cal
Crackers with cream cheese (little bit of a binge but whatever) - 300 cal
i drank only water and a few sips of diet coke and then a gulp of wine.

Today:
English muffin with cream cheese - 190 cal
3 olives - 15 cal
2 moderate bites of dry pasta - 100 cal
Chai Tea Latte with skim milk -  No idea... i heard it was pretty low cal though.

and thats it except for water and green tea for the rest of the day.

hopefully i'll be under 120 tomorrow

10:09pm: well i'm super happy today. i hope the rest of my life is just like today.

i went and treaded elliptical for 20 minutes this morning (-200 cal)
then i had apple slices and some baby carrots for lunch (+80 cal)
then as a snack i ate a chewy granola bar..........................(+90 cal)
then i went and treaded for 10 minutes again....................(-100 cal)
i spun the stationary bike for 25 minutes.............................(-100 cal)
walked around campus for 2 hours for my plant lab.........(-160 cal)
abs and legs toning.................................................................(-no clue)
Negative calorie soup, 2 bowl................................................(-negligible)

so that means all in all for today i am at least negative 400. which isn't amazing but pretty damn good.

6:00pm: okay... i'm confusing myself.... so the past three days:

Wednesday: 
Grapefruit w/ sugar - 50
Fruit and cottage cheese - 140
Apple - 40
FUCKING BURRITO - probably 300-400 

so fucking a fatass 700 calories... guestimate.

Thursday:
apple slices - 40
FUCKING BURRITO - 300-400

end at: 500 guestimate

Today:

2 peices of chicken - 200 cal(?)
one boiled egg... no yoke - 50(?)
cereal bar and oatmeal - 190 cal

PLUSSSSS my boyfriend wants me to drink tonight. so probably 2 shots of jager... which i don't even wanna KNOW how many calories is in it.

so ending at probably somewhere around 800.


GOSH i'm pathetic and flubbery. in the past three days i will have consumed somewhere in the vacinity of 2000 calories.

9:33pm:

i'm never going to be skinny. I am the same height is nicole richie but i weigh LITERALLY at least 30 lbs more. it's fucking ridiculous. really. i have the capacity to look that cute and petite... but i just won't?!?!

today...

B - apples (40)

L - ummm bean and cheese burrito. like last night.... because i'm fat and i  can't say no.

i'm not even going to GUESS the amount of calories. PLUS i haven't worked out today because i'm "too tired". really i'm just lazy. this is why i'm NOT hot. and chubby. i did so good for a while... i dropped weight and slimmed down a smidge.... my gramma noticed a difference. but i need to lose more weight. i am still squishy.

it's nine-thirty and i'm not having dinner. i have no compulsion to eat.... i'm too disgusted in myself.

tommorow is a new day, hopefully i will do better. i'm going to use this trick i saw on my community... keep count on the inside of my wrist.... over my lard i will be wearing a rubber band... which i will use whenever i get the urge to eat. SMACK. yep.

6:41am:

ehhh for yesterday.

i was waaaay under my calorie intake with aforementioned grapefruit, sugar, and a breakfast bar... around 200 cals.... if i round up, which i always do just to be safe! I had a weak moment for a burger... 
which i resisted. wooohoooooo! 
it felt so good. really gave powerful meaning to the phrase "nothing tastes as good as thin feels."   

so i drove back to my apartment from my daddy's house and had a cottage cheese/peaches pack (140) and an apple pack (40) so i ended at 380.

it was around 7 and i just planned on staying in and puttering around looking for excuses not to go out... and i realized i NEVER go out. ever. and i know my friends love me but i just can't keep pushing them away... as much as i'm crazy about my boyfriend, i can't let my world revolve around him.... one day he might not be there anymore. ANYWAYS i called up one of my girls and went over to hang out at another girls apartment... there were about 10 of us there. All these girls are gorgeous by the way... i was scrubbed out cuz it's that time of the month and i was feeling SUPA FAT and i didn't want to wear anything but a t-shirt. no one cared. 

THEY WERE ALL TALKING ABOUT FOOD. and i ended up almost inhaling a burrito. i wasn't even hungry?!?! so i failed again. i didn't eat the whole thing but most of it.

sooooo today i'm working out extra.

and no breakfast except an energy drink, which i'm seriously getting tired of.... i need a new flavor.

then maybe an apple before i work out.

SMALL SMALL lunch... maybe 2 egg whites and some turkey slices (120 altogether)

then i have a lab from 1-3, which by the way, i need to look at! and i always feel sick after labs because it smells weird.

thhhhhheeeeen.... i got the carmen electra "strip tease" workout video... in which you don't actually strip, but you pull a few dance moves whose meanings couldn't even be lost on a monk. pretty sweet. i did some monday night and the backs of my legs are still sore!

i'm eating dinner late because i figure if i try to go to bed and i'm hungry i'll just end up bingeing. so dinner is oatmeal, celery, and probably an apple pack.... (140)

end hopefully in the negetives from working out... but calorie intake = 340 (overestimate)

8:55am: well i stuck to the plan except late at night i had a special k bar (90 cal) and an apple (40 cal)

i was disappointed i couldn't just say no... but i'm glad it wasn't cereal or something with a ton of calories.... this means i'm gaining more control! woohoo!

so for today.... 3 hydroxy cut hardcores

B: fruit and cottage cheese portion - 140 cal

L: 1 fiber tab (they make you full) and an apple. probably some celery. MAYBE a breakfast bar. 50-140 cal

D: 1 fiber tab an apple pack, oatmeal and two egg whites- 180


so i should end at 460 for the day. that gives a little room for gatorade, energy drinks, and maybe a glass of warm broth.... we'll see.

and i'm going to go tread the elliptical until i drop and see how many calories i can get rid of.

Thinspiration:



____________________edit________________________

well i drove back home today because it's my ex's birthday and we're still very good friends... so i'm taking him a card.

so instead of the cottage cheese and fruit i had a grapefruit with a packet of sugar - 38 + 11 cals = 49 cals


so i'm doing better than my aforementioned plan so far. sweet.

6:14pm: ok. i'm starting an online eating journal to track my progress and (GASP) failures.

Today:

1:30 this morning: 2 HUGE bowls of cereal. UGH. i binged bad.

Breakfast... even though i shouldn't have had anything!!: cereal bar - 100 cal

Lunch: 1 cup of pasta and apple slices - 160 cal

Dinner: oatmeal and honey - 130 cal

snack maybe: broth - 12 cal

that is IT. no more bingeing. i will be skinny damnit!

2:39pm: i want so badly to be thin and for anyone that touches me just to think she's so light, fragile even. i just want to be tiny and compact like i used to be. i hate my legs they are fat. i hate how the fat comes over my knees like a gross old woman. i hate the backs of my arms cuz they jiggle. i hate my double chin that makes me look round. i hate the fate on my stomach that makes me look pregnant. i hate my love handles that come over my jeans and make me look even FATTER.

i want my figure to look like a mixture of jessica alba, marykate, and nicole richie. i want my boyfriend to be able to bench press me. i want to wear jeans that WILL NOT fit him. i'm so jealous of him i almost hate him. he can eat ANYTHING literally. whatever he wants... every thirty minutes he eats. and he doesn't gain an ounce. i want to lose my period so i don't get fatter once a month anymore. 

the only way i can make it happen is by restricting what i eat and working out.

LESS THAN 500 CALORIES A DAY
WORK OUT AT LEAST 500 CALORIES A DAY

i will make it happen and everyone will look at me and wish they had my control. even though i really have no control at all and i just eat all the time. i try so hard and then i break. i always ruin it for myself. but not anymore. here is a new me. i will lock my food up if i can't keep my fat ass fingers away from it. i'll fit into my size 2 jeans with LOTS of room to spare. I'll make skinny jeans look AMAZING.

just give it some time. I'll be that girl one day.

6:20am: wish me luck for this coming week!